Sept: I took over 100% with dishes because too many things in the cabinet still had food and grime and I was tired of never being able to use anything when I needed it. She’d put onion peels through the garbage disposal at some point, and the steam from rinsing dishes carried the smell strong. When it hit my face it triggered my allergies bad. Took days to calm down. The next week, she rinsed something she used for raw onions but didn’t rinse the sink much after. Steam + onion, bad reaction again. I also asked if she used the dish sponge to wash the knife from cutting onions before I started. She said no, but my hand definitely started tingling after I picked it up and my neck was feeling tight right away. Admitted later that she did but she rinsed the knife first. I took another break to let allergies calm down. The next week, the situation repeated only worse—first time it had been an empty sink so it wasn’t bad to scrub what was still hanging on. This time it was something she rinsed while the right side was piled high with dishes, so the onion juice ran over a ton of things I would need to wash. Reacted bad, again (lips tingled and felt like they were swelling that time which scared me because it can lead to tongue swelling). All of those episodes overlapped with ragweed season. I would need to lay down a bit if I stepped out on the deck 5 minutes—I’ve never reacted to pollen like that before. Itched so bad I had to wash any exposed skin after carrying things in from the porch. I gave up on dishes after my lips reacted, afraid of what would happen the next time.

10/2 She carried all the canned food in from the trunk and dropped the bags directly over my bed because she figured my nap was over (noise was so loud I thought she’d fallen and pulled a chair of stuff down with her), then held off on making dinner because she thought I was still napping hours later; as of 8:15pm, she’s had no protein all day other than a can of tuna but insists on not cooking dinner yet because she’s not hungry (it’s too late for me to eat, which is when she decided not to cook). Tried to discuss situation and she cut me off every time, when I asked her if I would ever intentionally hurt her, she said that bringing up things that upset her all the time when I know how it affects her is me wanting to hurt her. Couldn’t even establish the topic before she drowned me out. Taking everything as direct attack, and says she thinks my meds are making me like this. Zero acknowledgment of the effects of being woken up with loud noises like this several days in a row. Says not eating is okay because she used to get by on a can of corn and she was fine then. Seems to enjoy not eating now, seemingly aims for it most days. Has been forgetting things from just a day before or even the same day sometimes. Immediately refocuses the conversation to what’s wrong with me every time. Looks for signs the pets are upset by the discussion to indirectly pressure me to drop it. Earlier today called to ask me to take Izzy to the yard awhile after I’ve been clear that just going outside briefly is messing with my allergies because of all the onion exposure from trying to take over with dishes (because she can’t see well enough to get them clean but is in denial about it). A day or two ago I washed a dish and spoon that had some stuff caked on still, she jumped up and left in a hurry but insisted she wasn’t upset. She’s been walking Izzy almost every day, but isn’t getting much else done. 

10/20 (written later) Left to drive around and talk to Greg a bit before his dinner plans. We’d agreed the week before to stop having onions in the house—her suggestion because she didn’t know how else to manage the situation. But I came back to find homemade salsa on the counter. With strong garlic and onions. She even offered me some so at first I thought she left the onion out, but no. She’d bought some and just hid them, and just assumed I’d be gone long enough that it was okay. Never even tried to ask how long I’d be gone. Didn’t warn me when I got back “early”, or try to get it cleaned up/put in an airtight container. Eventually acted weird and vague about whether or not she was lying about it, like it was a game??

10/25 (written later) Made a large pork roast with lots of onion wedges, usually a multi-day meal. Smell triggered allergies before I was even up the stairs. I made a frozen dinner. Tried a little when my allergy meds were strongest but it didn’t help, allergies were too sensitive still.

10/26 (written later) Mom reheated leftovers from the pork roast in microwave, which spread the smell everywhere upstairs again, as soon as we got back from the allergist. Strong reaction again, she said she assumed I would nap and that she had enough time. 

11/2 (written later) Made taco salad with seasoning packet for either lunch or dinner. Didn’t use stove exhaust because she says she never finished cleaning it and she’s afraid of it pulling flames up into the fan because she says she’s seen that happen before (??). Plainly strong smell of garlic throughout upstairs, didn’t react as bad as with onions at least. Wouldn’t have been an issue if not for the timing of everything.

11/8 (written later) ordered Giovanni’s pizza for dinner. Came back with cheese sticks too, with tons of extra garlic topping dumped on most of it (looked like their shaker lid might have fallen off and dumped out). Smell was intense, but she offered me those first. One end seemed to have basically none of the garlic powder so I ate those. She acknowledged noticing the smell in the car and how it isn’t usually like that. She put them in the microwave to keep away from cats—I had to ask her to take them out and leave it open to air out awhile because the smell was too strong for me to use microwave without my allergies making me really drowsy/sore throat/itchy again.

11/9 (written later) She forgot to move the cheese sticks the night before; finally did, but just moved them to the center of the kitchen table. To be fair, I didn’t think much of it. When I got a sore throat while upstairs I worried I was getting sick because I couldn’t figure out what had caused it.

11/10 Took me breaking down again for her to get the cheese sticks out after I realized the smell was still strong in the entire kitchen, and my sore throat was gone after a night’s sleep but came back after spending time upstairs. I’m really tired today, wanted to make tea to wake up but needed to wash dishes for it first. I’ve been keeping a dish sponge separate for me to use after picking up one she’d used on onion residue made my skin tingle and neck tighten. I forgot mine at the counter (not the first time) but this time it definitely had food caked in it. She swears she didn’t use it, but the whole point of moving mine was because it’s too hard to keep them straight. 100% my fault, I’m forgetting everything constantly because I’m so spacey and tired. I was clearer than I’ve been in a decade before my allergies got bad, can’t even remember what that felt like now. She had her psychiatry appointment last week but apparently asked for the same med and same dosage she’s on now, and was surprised when the pharmacy couldn’t fill it yet (because she still has some at home, it’s the same thing). I had to beg her to call back today but she just left a voicemail asking them to call her back, so, she’ll be lucky if that’s all sorted out by next week. She’s drowning herself and I can’t get away from it or help either of us. 

(Allergies are being triggered by her on average every 5 days since October, and the onion steam dishes stuff was about once a week. Checked because I’m starting to feel crazy that it’s really been this many things spaced out just enough that I’ve lost two entire months I couldn’t afford to lose.)

11/11 She says I told her she had to clean out all the kitchen drawers. I think she maybe misunderstood an offhand comment or dreamt it (she’s not slept well lately so maybe)? I absolutely didn’t want the drawers all emptied immediately—the kitchen was already an unusable mess and now it’s utterly buried and there’s no space to disinfect things carefully. She was only “disinfecting” things that sat in mouse urine with hot water (120 degrees f max) and Dawn, used Awesome (the version with added bleach) for the drawers but bottle doesn’t indicate it disinfects at all, and doesn’t list the concentration but online suggests it’s too low to do much. She got angry that I was worried about having the silverware soak alongside the grossest stuff without a bleach step after. She now says she doesn’t WANT to take a stronger ADD medication. Not even a higher dose of the same thing. Doesn’t need it. She can think clearly. Dishes have always been this dirty. She’s never disinfected rodent waste on food prep items/surfaces with bleach. She’s never read labels of strong cleaning products before using them (maybe, lol). She’s never budgeted major projects before just impulse buying for the parts she wants to do first. She says she’s going to hire cleaners because I can’t help her enough even though that’s entirely been because of her choices for two months now. I turned my med situation upside down to get to a point where I could start driving hopefully before the ACA could be overturned (and potentially strip my med coverage), but the months I’ve had after that have been completely destroyed by nonstop allergy exposure upstairs. I stayed indoors for all of fall because I was so much more reactive than usual, but all she sees is that I can’t help her like it’s completely separate from her choices. She swears nothing about her has changed, it must just be my mental health. She can see fine. Everything is fine and the same as it ever was except for me. I’m the problem, nothing else.

11/12 She put all the silverware away. We don’t even have bleach, and the cleaner she used on the drawers definitely doesn’t disinfect (googled it).